I Do?

A ring. That's what makes it legit! Cohabitating, wedlock and shared accounts does not make it legit. There has to be a pastor, bells and vows that solidify the partnership. WHAT OTHER WAY IS THERE TO DO IT?!!

She looked at me, then she looked at her. She then looked at me again, then looked at her. She took one final glance and said, "She's lovely! Just full of joy!" I responded with a smile and a quick "thank you," for I knew what was soon to follow.

"Does she play this well when she's with your husband?" And so it begins…
"Lady, you obviously don't see a ring on my finger! That is the reason you had to do a triple take on me right? Or is it the fact that you saw that curly haired, dark child playing with your daughter and automatically assumed she shouldn't be here right? She should be in daycare alongside all the other children whose parent[s] work 8 plus hours a day, then comes home and devote 2 hours to their child, send them to bed, and repeat it all again the next day. She can't just be free to explore can she? Or better yet, can I? Do I need to be married in order to be free with my daughter on a Tuesday at 11am?"… That's what I was thinking. Instead I politely responded with a, "Yes, she runs circles around her father."

What she doesn't know is that I am married.
& I don't need a ring to explain that.

Being married is not a comfort tool for you. It is a gratification tool used by others, for others to completely disown their insecurities about your relationship. The first thing a person looks at when they see a small creation with you is your ring finger. It becomes their only way to identify the nature of your relationship, and how it came to be. For so long it has been said that marriage is a partnership. Marriage is the right way to be with the person you love and would die for.  Marriage provides security. I find that ironic! 51%? That is the percentage I last saw when I researched the divorce rate. What is marriage again? Who created that definition? What does it even mean to be married?

A ha! That is the question.

For so long I let my insecurities get the best of me. My emotions overcame me with such pride and rage, all in one. Then finally, a light bulb came on and said, stupid! Use me! I too have neurons and can provide you with emotions. All the while I was deliberating with myself of what other people would think. What they would say, and how that would reflect what type of person I was. That thought was exterminated once I used my old friend, full of neurons to help me gumption the idea that what they say, matters not. What I say does.

When I wake up in the morning, we are a team. We eat together, we workout together, then we handle our daily duties. Those daily duties are in fact what holds our partnership together because they are the first step to securing a healthy future with one another. The last time I looked up "Ways to love the right person" my search box came up empty. There is no map to the road of love. You just go. When you find yourself smooth sailing on a road with little to no bumps then you're probably heading in the right direction. Till the storms came crashing down on your pavement and you swerve off track. But, when the clouds pass by and sun shines again, and your pavement has not been broken, erased, and completely destroyed, that is when you know you have chosen the right pathway.

I wake up in the morning certain that of all things God created me a just man. A man that says what he means, and most certainly means what he says. A selfless man, a God fearing man, and a man who prides himself on loyalty. My days are complete with a man who sometimes dislikes me and is sometimes repelled by me. Nonetheless, a man who most certainly loves me. Tirelessly works day in and out, up all night reading to forge his craft. Takes the small for himself to provide me the ladder. Opens the door for my caged birds to fly free and tap into their natural state; the sense of self and creativity. I have a man who carries burdens of his own but snatched mine up because his wisdom surpasses my immaturity. A look of sadness in my eyes creates wrinkles in his forehead full of inquisition, that then follows with acts of foolishness. Fun. Laughter. Happiness. What is the definition of security again? Is it trusting a man who speaks more volume through actions then he does with fixtures coming out of his mouth? Is it knowing that at the sight of harms way to put on his armor, raise his shield and transform into his woman's gladiator? Is it sacrificing his own happiness only to savor the beating heart of the woman he proclaimed belonged to him?

Then I have no doubts.

When God sent Hosea to Gomer he became their pastor, and all bells from east to west rang loud and clear. When he promised to carry me, and I declared to always have his back, that became our vows. For a ring does not define, nor does it determine the parameters of our relationship.

I do.
He does.
We do.

Joust that Pancake…Girl

I really don't want to, but it feels so good. I mean, I love my man & all but goodness! There's this feeling I get when I'm with you. I can't quite explain it but something just takes over me…
   
     I remember when I first met you. You were in the gym, smiling at me as to say, "Girl, I want you!" I could tell you wanted me to. No matter how much I kept trying to shake you, you just wouldn't get out of my mind. I tried staying my distance from you, but you kept coming around. Even my friends told me that you were worth the chance & I couldn't go wrong if I just tried… Just try. There's nothing wrong with that right? WRONG! Immediately I was hooked! I didn't want to admit it at first, I even tried pushing you away, but it was clear; I was addicted…
   
     There's a certain height of floating that occurs when I'm with you. I've never been "high" before, but trust me you most certainly keep me buzzed. It travels way beyond the 9th cloud that John Legend refers to. I'm talking the sensation you get upon reaching the pinnacle of a climax. Ohhhhhh weeee! My God is all I can say. Like I said, I love my man & all, & I'd probably never admit this to him but… He doesn't take me there like you do…
   
     For a long time I've waited for you. I dreamt about you. I thirst for you. I look for you everyday & when I see you, I slowly melt away. You take my breath away (literately). & when it's time to say goodbye it truly is one of the hardest things to do. I LOVE YOU! You connect with me on a level that only experts understand. You know me. You learned me. You taught me. You found me. & that's why no matter where I go I'll always come back to you.
     Like I said. I love my man & all but there's something that volleyball does to me on Tuesday & Saturday that only the experts would understand…

Santa's, Trees & a Kinara

     Ho, ho, ho! I could have sworn I heard Santa coming down the chimney. Oh, but wait… We clearly don't have a chimney. Well, that's no big deal the lights from the Christmas tree will lighten up the house & we can leave the door open for Santa tonight. Hold up… WHERE'S OUR TREE???!!! Have we been robbed! Is this a joke? We stay in the freaking suburbs for heavens sake! That's when those eyes gazed at me and said, "Clearly we celebrate Kwanzaa."
     If looks could kill, sadly I'd make channel 9 news for a homicide. Now, I recognize Santa is a fictitious man made up by a man, I know Jesus birthday didn't occur anywhere near December, I've read in the bible the bad representations of trees, but come on! It's freaking CHRISTMAS! So what you're telling me is that EVERYTHING I do, EVERYTHING we do has to be backed up by nothing but real facts & have lifelong lessons… Boooooooooooooooooooooo. Who taught you how to enjoy the holidays? It's not just about the "extras" of it all, it's about family. Remembering old memories while creating new ones. It's about love, singing songs that warm the heart & for some, a little libations. Every year growing up grandpa had the Santa suit, and grandma put up 2 trees; a white one in the basement for all of our gifts & a green one in the living room for story time. Now you mean to tell me because you don't want any "confusion" we don't celebrate Christmas???!!!
     At that moment 2 big, shining eyes gazed into mine as if to say, "What's going on? Is this a fight?" That's when I realized it wasn't about me anymore. I was so use to being completely enumerated with my old life, that I didn't stop to consider the new life right in front of me. One day there will be questions of who, what, when, where, how and most importantly of why. I won't be able to say, "just because," or "because I said so." It will then be my responsibility to explain, give examples and shed the truth, because even though it's fun and it looks good, that doesn't change the meaning behind it all. A moment of clarity entered my brain when those bright eyes looked up at me & that's when I knew I could not allow history to repeat itself. I will not let the world socialize and define the new life we created.
     I can no longer carry on with the idea that our history is not apart of the "norm" but, what I can do is  lock the door, light up the room with our smiles and sing a different song. Green and red will still be included in our color scheme… But, from this point on Kinaras it is.